For most of my life, my hair didn't feel like my own. It was something to be managed, controlled, erased, and, if I'm being honest - held as a weapon by my mother.
Growing up mixed race, I internalised the message that my curls were too different, too "other". So, like many of us, I begged for straighteners, relaxers and whatever else promised to make my hair more "acceptable" (aka. 'white').
But when I decided to grow out my natural hair a few months ago, I had no idea that, after 31 years, I would be stepping into something much deeper than a mere cosmetic change. This has been about Identity. This has been about unlearning. This has been about finally seeing and accepting myself - fully, unapologetically and honestly.
The Awakening: When Straight No Longer Felt Right
For years, I did not question it. Straight hair was just... the norm, the lifeline to being normal. It was easier. It was everywhere - magazines, TV, in the beauty supply aisle. 'Other' was not accessible which, to my teenage mind, meant "not acceptable".
But it had been brewing in me for some time that relaxed hair no longer felt like me. I was a health Coach, making so many changes to my lifestyle and upgrading so many aspects of what I put in my body, that it no longer made sense to be applying a toxic and abrasive product to my scalp every 8 weeks. I felt like I was clinging to a version of myself that no longer fit.
It wasn't an overnight decision, but it was a growing whisper... what if I let my hair just be?
The Grow-Out: The Messy Middle of Self Discovery
It's rough out here!!!
If you've ever transitioned from chemically treated hair, you know how long this process is. It's a journey - a long, awkward, in-between stage of two competing textures that have you thinking about mixing up another relaxer treatment just one more time!
If I'm honest, I'm not loving it!
My hair feels like a battle of identities, and I know that it is mirroring something bigger.
I have spent most of my adult life straightening more than just my hair - I have been smoothing over parts of myself that didn't fit the mold.
Now... my curls aren't just growing in... I am growing in.
Some days I feel powerful - like I'm reclaiming something that was always meant to be mine. Other days.... well, it's a straight-up shit show! I don't know how to style it, how many wide-headbands and scarves to buy, even how to feel about the change in my reflection with the change in what now surrounds my face.
The struggle isn't just with my hair, but with some deep-rooted beliefs about beauty and belonging.
The Breakthrough: Seeing Myself, Fully
Somewhere along the way - between oil applications, deep conditioning treatments and prolonged Google searches - I had a realisation.
My hair was never the problem. My perception of it was.
As I am learning to nourish my curls, I am also learning to nourish my self-acceptance.
I'm experimenting with products that care for my natural texture instead of forcing it into submission. I'm starting to see my hair not as something to be fixed, but rather as a part of me to be celebrated, just as I celebrate so many other parts of the woman I am.
And I'm looking forward to that day I look in the mirror and see... me.
Embracing the Journey: For Every Woman in the In-Between
If you're in the messy middle of your own journey - hair or otherwise - I see you.
It's not just about changing this one thing. It never is. It's about identity, about shedding the need for acceptance and approval, about embracing all of who you are.
Give yourself grace. Let yourself feel all the emotions and resistance. Most of all, know this:
You are beautiful in every stage, in every iteration, in every version of yourself.
My hair, just like me, was never meant to be tamed. It was meant to be free.
Love you. Mean it 💋
Sabrina xxx
Yorumlar